110 Comments

"This is what happens when you order a president through the mail" BRILLIANT 😂😂

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Not only did we NOT order him, we are having to pay the absurdly high cost of the unsolicited order. Double phooey! 😡

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Yes! Double phooey!!

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💯‼️💯‼️

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Favorite: Marxism is nutshell: Every election will be stolen until we solve the problem (of elections, freedom, inequality [everyone is equally poor], bountiful harvests, happiness, & prosperity).

The cat & fish reminds me of this:

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."

"Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?"

The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."

Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."

Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"

The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting in my seat."

---

If you or anyone you know has lost a friend or loved one recently (and sadly there seems to be a lot of this tragedy in these bleak times) this was written as a message of hope: https://tritorch.substack.com/p/perhaps-the-most-hauntingly-beautiful

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. She explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"

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A Young Couple Dies On The Way To Their Wedding

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

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Abe and lucy are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 IRS extortion payment yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send those, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"

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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

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on the other hand. . . THIS one is even better! 50th anniversary present, thank you! Ha!

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That is so cool, old guy, congratulations to you! 50 years of marriage is such a rare gift these days. No doubt, there are countless couples across the world who could learn more and a few things from yourself and Mrs. old guy, on how to keep the fires burning. If you two ever write a book on this subject, count me among your first readers!

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One of the new 3700 new rookie agents will get right on this one.

Time away from the office is a great way to start a new client hunt.

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THIS is a great one Tri!

I will use it in two weeks for our 50 year renewal of vows.

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Hilarious 🤭

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Well, on one hand I noticed you said "priests" and not pastors, tho this may inflame my Catholic cousins; 2nd’ly, if they do go thru with the heavenly nuptials and it doesn’t work out, I’d like to think they’d only have a short spell to wait until I arrive - I know I’m not in Tennessee, still, I’d like to think there’s reciprocation between Montana and Heaven 😇

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Something that’s been bugging me since I finally got around to the FridayFunnies this morning: the toilet seat⁉️

As I was growing up, becoming the man I am now, learning the difference between Sprinkle and Tinkle, I also came to respect the distinctions between him&her and why ‘Up’ or ‘Down.’ This understanding came in handy in my middle years when I never once heard a SPLASH during the dark of night. Of the many issues we had, THAT was not one of them.

But here we are in the nascent years of the 3rd millennium and I wonder if Up/Down has lost its importance. If one were to just go by gender, the next "guy " might be a requisite sitter (yes, I said SIT-ter) while the following gal might be a sprinkler (and understanding the mechanics of why that might be so leads me to think "she" may be a sprinkling tinkler).

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We have 4 restrooms on our semi-private golf course. During the summer we have issues with outside male players not understanding basic toilet etiquette to use our cross gender facilities. Since my husband and I play golf during the summer we follow the public on many afternoons and it is amazing how poorly many men have been raised. I asked our general manager if I could make cute little signs and tape them to the back of each toilet.

I created simple notes like, thank you for patronizing our club. Please remember that ladies also use this restroom.

So, if you lift it, put it back down,

If you fill it, flush it.

Too much trouble? Please use the urinal two feet away.

Have a great round.

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So sad; but women aren’t the only ones offended, or at least shouldn’t be.

All of us have to, umm, shhh, 🤔 SIT every once&awhile, sometime when it’s inconvenient.

There have been times…

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I am sure that you are right about that. I just do not like to walk into a small coed bathroom with yellow stagnant urine and flies buzzing around. I just have to leave and try the next one. One of our golf course staff pointed out that if people were not trained as children a little sign would not make them considerate. He is probably correct.

To your point, I tried to go into one of these bathrooms last summer and I saw a woman emerge as I walked up. Her perfume was so offensive, I could not go in then as well.

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You could be the next Rodney Dangerfield live on stage.

Don't quit your day job yet. Working late nights suck but the money is fab!

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Thanks buddy, but i didn't write any of these jokes. I keep forgetting to put a disclaimer, but then I always figure it's obvious. It's like if you're at a party and you tell a joke you heard somewhere, you don't try to give sources.

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Yeah that's fine. You know how Rodney leaned heavy into the "My Wife" jokes.

No respect was trademarked. That's married life for some couples.

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haha, yeah, Rodney was a legend at stand up. Check out the second video down: https://tritorch.substack.com/p/doom-break-volume-5-into-laughter

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Oh boy (boi?), am I so screwed, I am the servile servant to 3, sometimes 4, cats; this was made clear last night as I witnessed one of my lords&masters enter the room of waste elimination we share, inspect his, uh, sand pit, gave me the stink eye and made it clear I was falling behind in my responsibilities. Reminding him there were 2 more exactly the same within a few meters seemed to fall upon deaf ears - how like God, they listen but still have expectations. But just like Him Hisself, when I lay my head down at night and rise in the morning they’re there - the one with the snarky expectations usually snuggling with me, back to back. If this is a foretaste of Heaven, I’m in.

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Haha, that's great, thanks SR

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🙏

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So many great ones today, but have to put the coexist with the swastika #1, really sums up the ultra tolerant socialist Nazi left. One thing I really love about Friday Funnies it always gives me a place to go when I have to stay where I am, thank Drs. Malone.

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Hanky-panky between the Quaker and Aunt Jemima is a vision that will last all day. I think I will pass on oatmeal this morning and go with eggs.

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I don't know if this is common knowledge, but Quaker Oats guy and Mrs. Butterworth had a thing going for a while. And after being left out on the counter for several days, she's been returned to the pantry shelf. Awkward. Not to mention Uncle Ben, who's pretty steamed.

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What's brown and crawls up your leg?

Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.

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awkward is a very good word

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So that's why I decided to make oatmeal for breakfast, subliminal hint from reading this SS first thing this morning. My syrup is from Coombs Family Farms in VT but I sweetened with honey.

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See how we view things differently? Enjoy your breakfast!

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Deanna it was already a tie between oatmeal and cream of rice since I was out of almond milk. It just put oatmeal front and center and I laughed at it. Also had scrambled eggs and toast a little later.

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The Quaker Oatmeal guy is pretty handsome. He was supposed to resemble William Penn

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The incontinence hotline…yeah.

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Looking at a job right now and wish I had that phone number, I feel like I’m on hold 😅

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Sometime after passing age 70 got to thinking if Hamlet had lived longer that famous soliloquy would have read….to pee or not to pee, THAT is the question that tries old mens souls

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Don’t make me laugh, no really don’t make me laugh….

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Could be worse. Bet you're glad you didn't have the bran muffin.

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The muzak on hold is the soothing sound of a waterfall.

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Not always tho

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Some great funnies. I think “Mom can we stay in my old room”? Is hilarious. The look on Mon’s face is priceless.

Can I just say that we live in a crazzzzzy world.

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Future judges ala Trump?

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"The authors of the report state in in its conclusion it: “Raises the sobering possibility that international actors are using undisclosed channels to funnel large amounts of money into college campuses (including elite institutions that often have outsized influence on American culture and politics) for purposes harmful to the democratic norms of pluralism, tolerance, and freedom.”https://nypost.com/2023/11/08/news/us-universities-including-cornell-harvard-mit-raked-in-13b-in-undocumented-contributions-from-foreign-donors/

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Aaah. The Friday Funnies. Now I can start my weekend. The Smoky Bear meme really is pertinent. I’ve seen this happen already in Colorado and they’re trying hard to change TN. Now that’s not just sad, but STUPID!

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I'm from Montana. It's too late to save Montana. We've been invaded. My grandfather's parents homesteaded in Montana, and now our family is close to starting its seventh generation here. I could use real-life experience to debate with the people who say that illegal immigration is good for our economy. It wasn't that many years ago that we had a natural migration of people moving here from other cities in the USA and the housing boom that followed truly did benefit our economy, as it provided work for young skilled American families who contributed immensely to the community. That is NOT what is happening now. The town where I live is unrecognizable in a negative way because of this invasion of undocumented unskilled laborers and criminals. Crime is at an all-time high in a place where there used to be very little crime. Let's talk about the low quality of workmanship being provided by these illegal immigrants. Oh yeah, and by the way...the tightwad millionaires who hire the illegal laborers don't even come into town to spend money here, so don't tell me it's good for our economy. Our infrastructure, public services, and local economy is over-burdened. The cost of this invasion is great. Montana has been ruined. It's too late to save us. We've already become California.

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We used to say : “Do not Californicate Colorado” but alas it was to no avail! I had to laugh at the Pro-Palestine protesters and their long list of demands in Denver yesterday! Oh my! Those poor, mistreated snowflakes!

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Oh, my word! I just watched the news report that shows the illegal migrants in Denver, making similar demands! They are asking for benefits that even many hardworking citizens don't have! This is UNBELIEVABLE!

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I've been saying for quite some time now that we could stop all this illegal immigration foolishness in about 15 minutes if we'd just stop paying them to come here.

Talk about a problem that just makes you go... Well, DUH ! !

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Growing up in Switzerland, I loved Eurovision. I still listen to many of my favorite singers who got their start there... decades ago. Unfortunately, it has degenerated... like so many other things in this world.

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May 10Edited

OMG where to start! The hand of Jill is all over these, "and you thought he wasn't friendly". Just what the doctor ordered! I needed these, no prescription necessary. (I like the orange juice and champagne version of Bucks Fizz)

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Did you here about the Muslim Suicide Hotline they set up in NY City, and other democrat plantations??

If you call, and say you are feeling suicidal, the operator will say, "Praise be to Allah, can you drive a truck"?

Canadians that are suicidal are being referred to this number.

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"This is what happens when you order a President through the mail!" Best one ever!! TGIF!

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I have to add . Why is RFK jr saying it is alright to abort a full term baby if that is what the woman wants? This is not ok.

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There's that and his views on the 2nd Amendment and climate change are just as horrendous.

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Yes! I knew he was pro-abortion but was shocked when he said this!

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This is murder!

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Spot on!

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Who knew we need new and improved mosquitos?

insects are bred for use in studies at Johns Hopkins University or other laboratories that are researching malaria. The lab is one of the largest in the eastern United States.

The research ranges from helping to improve vaccines and treatment to ultimately making genetically modified mosquitoes that are more resistant to malaria.

We can identify pathways in the mosquito that support development of the malaria parasite, with the eventual applied goal of developing a better mosquito that blocks malaria transmission,” McMenimen said.

Some of that work has already been done. The researchers have modified some insects to have malaria blocking capabilities,

I don't know about you, but I'd prefer no mosquitoes - bites actually....

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Happen to be a magnet for the critters. And do react to their bites. Once when a guy walking by me asked if I had measles…nope, just skeeters and chiggers

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Darn bugs like me too. Have started dousing with Absorbine Jr before going out. So far no bites, but it isn't peak bite season yet. So we'll see

As a horse person Like the smell of Absorbine Jr. Understand some wouldn't.

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Jean, my red flags went up about the effects of Absorbine on your skin. The skin is so absorbent, is this safe for you? Hope so.

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Who knows? I've been addicted to it since my horse owner days. Huge help with my sore knees and legs and now maybe mosquitoes. So far no signs it hurt my horse or I. On the knees works as well or better than some supplements.

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Michael, I'm a mosquito magnet as well!!! I also have big welts! If makes it hard for me to engage in outside activities!

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One reason I enjoyed working in a laboratory…..that and not too fond of sunlight..,turns me crispy

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A wives tale says skeeters are attracted to the aroma of sweetness. Perhaps you and Ana are 'sweet'?

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Awww. Actually I heard they are attracted by exhaled CO2

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Well now, according to Britannia, CO2 has a faint sharp odor and a sour taste. Sour of course being the opposite of sweet. Hmm - don't we all exhale CO2? Perhaps one could quit breathing while outside.

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Ms. Skeptic here does not believe that Johns Hopkins' endeavor is humanitarian, regardless of how it spins it. Perhaps skeeters (thanks Micheal, have not heard that term for 50 years) can be vectors for 'dispensing' mRNA?

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My impression is that sort of use is/was a Bill Gates objective. To me the only justifiable mosquito culture would be one to do away with mosquitoes. I have never learned of any legitimate beneficial merits of a mosquito population. We seem to be afflicted with Mad Svientists.

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Only the Maker knows for sure.

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My husbands nickname for me is "skeeter", wonder why?

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That's funny DD.

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he likes the way you get under his skin???

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I saw something in the comments about malaria and COVID quite some time ago. I’ve had malaria, haven’t had covid.

https://www.devex.com/news/research-suggests-malaria-exposure-could-reduce-covid-19-severity-102106

One can’t help but wonder why such interest from various entities in modifying mosquitoes.

I’ll just add, I’m sitting in icu with my brother who chose to get shots and boosted (he’s had COVID after shots).

Best wishes to all, and thank you Malones and commenters.

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What's the difference between a democrat lawyer, and a mosquito?

Well, one is a blood sucking diseased parasite.

The other is an insect.

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