My wife and I have been married since Valentines Day 1983, while I was 17 and she was 18.
Neither of us had started College yet, we were probably just as poor, and added to this was the fact that our daughter was born that following August.
It took me almost 7 years to earn my BS in Mechanical Engineering, between working full-time and taking classes when I was able to, but my job on a large Factory Trawler allowed her to be a stay-at-home mother for our three kids. She finally went back to school and got her degree in Horticulture once the youngest started school. I finished my degree and am now a Merchant Marine Chief Engineer on the largest Factory Trawler in the United States. Her degree has only cost me money, as she's become a "Collector of Species" in her garden, but it keeps her happy and entertained.
43 years later we're still going strong, and with all of our children married and the 12 grandkids they've provided us, we're extremely happy.
May you and yours have many more years of happiness.
Maybe your marriages didn't fail. Maybe they were gloriously successful, and having walked together as far as you were meant to down the primrose path, and having learned whatever life lessons/soul growth you were meant to from each, you brought your (successful) marriage to it's natural conclusion: parting company.
Not my concept by the way. Shakti Gawain, author of Living in the Light, was the one to first introduce that concept to me.
Young people need to be taught to recognize the "red flags" and not to settle for something they know in their gut is wrong. Some young people think they won't have another chance, another relationship, or that someone else won't 'love' them. None of those things are true. People don't change, so if your partner does things you don't like, that won't change. And remember, you get in return what you put out there. If you're not a good, respectful person, you won't attract a good, respectful person. And parents, don't be afraid to tell your offspring if you think they are making a mistake.
True enough . . . .not saying all "failed" marriages were glorious successes, the dregs can happen!
I really admire the couples who grow apart, part ways, but stay civil and/or even friends. When I called my (divorced) aunt in the hospital, her former (I like that better than ex, so much gentler!) husband picked up the phone, chatted with me a minute, and then passed the phone over.
My cousin remarried, and so did his former wife. He visits her and her second husband regularly. I think it depends on how the relationship went down. They didn't lose the 'friend' part of the connection. If the spouse turns out to be a frenemy, then never looking back is the safest move and makes it easier to let go of any bitterness that may have taken root.
... and some marry just get out of the house and out from under parental control, only to find out there's still rules - and far more responsibilities.
I had to learn from my teacher what it meant to be married; what marriage was really for. And what were the most common reasons marriages ended.
But yes, a marriage is merely a cycle of action. You find a partner. You help each other. You raise some children. You help them. You continue as partners. Then you die and start over. It's just a cycle with a start, a middle and an end. Love might be "eternal," but not marriage. it's just something we do to help us survive each lifetime and keep the race going.
I think modern entertainment culture over-glorified it. Then later it tore marriage apart. What were our young people supposed to think? For centuries many cultures survived on arranged marriages, child marriages, enslaved concubines and all sorts of other wild stuff, not on "love." Does love even need to be a part of marriage? I don't know. Certainly caring about the marriage and being willing to be responsible for it needs to be a part of marriage. But love is, perhaps, something higher than basic human survival.
Ditto on the age my wife and I were. Both sets of our parents stayed married until death did they part. We both are Christians and have been just as sexual active as a rock star, just only with each other. As with every blessing God gets all the glory!
My husband and I married at 21, right out of college. We are now 84 and will celebrate our 63rd anniversary next month. We have had adventures, changed careers (I started medical school when I was almost 40), been through trials, raised sons, have a wonderful daughter in law and grandchildren whom we spend time with. There has been luck and hard work. We are both cognitively intact and have small physical limitations. We are grateful to God every day for the gifts He has showered on us. In October we will walk 100 kilometers on the Camino (very slowly), and stop at every sacred place to give thanks.
Consider Having been married 10 or 15 years later, And now not enjoying those grandkids.
Life goals, Get married young then enjoy years in your marriage that cannot be replaced And enjoy your grandchildren and maybe your great grandchildren
Commitment to THE MARRIAGE is a huge key. You have to be more committed to staying married than to staying 'in love.' (Didn't you hear or see the word "vow"?)
I worked with many Indians (India) who all had arranged marriages. No divorces. (OK, a few dozen data points.). One older Indian couple: "First you get married. Then you have kids. Then you fall in love."
The guy who did my son's wedding. "There are no back doors, when you walk through that front door (wedding) into the 'married house.'"
At 20 you are still very pliable (which J Malone mentioned). At 30 you're pretty set in YOUR ways. At 40, you're basically reinforced concrete.
Drill it into your brain and heart: The person you marry at 20 will be a different person at 30, and different again at 40. You better be committed to them no matter who they 'become'. You change, too, you know.
Your spouse is more important than your children for a successful, happy marriage.
My parents celebrated 72 years. (Penniless war refugees from Eastern Europe.). Jennifer and I will celebrate 50 in 2029!
Oh, and if your parents didn't have any kids, odds are you won't either.
We also married at 18 and 19, went on to earn Ph.Ds, then have children and several careers. It has been almost 65 years and we agree that values and attitudes about marriage are more important than age. We also taught our children that it was better to invest in the marriage than to invest in an expensive, elaborate wedding. Our shared Christianity has been very important through thick and thin.
Such a sweet love story! My parents were married 66 years and my grand parents were married 67 years . My dad’s parents were married 45 years my grandpa died at age 66 years old.
I need to tell a sweet story about my parents . Growing up my mom would crawl onto my dad’s lap at night after dinner. They would have a sweet kiss and then mom would snuggle up to him. I loved watching this as a child. When my father got dementia 15 years after a massive cerebral hemorrhage he was put into a home. Mom could keep him in the house at night. I would take mom to visit dad. She would crawl up on his lap , take his face in her hands and give him a big kiss on the lips and then snuggle up to him. Thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. They loved each other deeply. They got married 17 and 19.
My grandpa when my grandma had a stroke and in a coma crawled up the hospital railing on the bed and gave grandma a kiss calling out her name Oh Ellen! Then patting her hand. Such tender moments bring back sweet memories.
My husband married me at age 44. He had never been married. He had gone to law school and worked. Dated a bunch asked a couple of them to marry him. Took care of his invalid father. When he married me he gained 4 children, a grandchild, a cat, a dog and a mortgage . He took my children on as his own. Loved them and took care of them. They call him dad. I have been married to him it will be 27 years in November. 5 years longer than my first marriage. What a blessing he has been in our lives.
Drs Malone , you have a beautiful example of a sweet love story. Thank you for sharing! I love the darling picture!
Dear friends of ours just had a granddaughter married at 19. Most in their family were skeptical until my friend Mindy said, hey we married young and so did two of our children. The family circle has had everyone's support. Checking out the groom, they discovered that his parents and grandparents also married young. They are living cheap and both going to school together. They are having the best time of their lives and enjoying each moment as it comes along. Their families support is so important to both of them. Thanks for sharing this Jill, it made my day. Love Dee
Great photo.. Thanks for sharing that. Also great insights. Whether or not a couple is successful or not has nothing to do with "the average". That probably holds true for epidemiology studies in the medical field as well.
My mother told me, "love is not looking into each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction."
I didn't find my husband until I was 27 (married at 29) but, believe me, I had been looking for him. 45 years together and I still think I'm the luckiest girl in the world! He was worth the wait!
Only a couple of things I might say about successful marriages.
1. TRUST - I would say this is the most, or close to the most, important word in a marriage. If you find out your partner is a regular non truth teller or fudger (journalist or politician ring a bell?), I'd say the union is doomed. Both liars, with common goal, maybe...nah.
2. CHILDREN - Best if some serious talks occur on this before knot tying. Not just about having any, but even more, if children are in the picture, how they are to be raised. Strong feelings about a subject by one parent vs the other are most often amplified when applied to the children.
3. MONEY - Saver vs Spender. Degrees matter, but I'd say this can get out of hand pretty quickly on either side. Good discussions (not argument or skullduggery) skills might save the day.
Dr. Jill saying "they grew up together" makes me think much of the hard decisions were based on the two of them recognizing the need to put their heads together on issues. In that respect, I believe their younger marriage worked because they 'talked to one another'. They didn't 'talk above/over one another'. They weren't 'set in their ways'.
I hadn’t known that Israel was so “productive”! I enjoyed your contemplations and add one thought that keeps coming to me: as a society, we have neglected teaching responsibility to the next generation. Since we are no longer an agrarian society, children grow up without real responsibility and we expect that suddenly at 18 or 22 they know how to carry themselves and the burdens of adulthood. Without having shouldered any real responsibilities, they haven’t a clue how to be adults. Fortunate are the children who grow up on farms—they take responsibility for animal chores and often begin driving tractors and other motorized vehicles at a young age— which I believe helps prepare them for responsibilities of adulthood.
This was the best essay on Love and Marriage. I watched my parents marriage and they married quite young. The marriage that set the stage for me was watching my grandparents marriage. I sure could add to the Love and Marriage. Thank you Dr. and Mrs. Malone for writing what you did. Everyone should read it. I have been married for 56 years and everything that could happen has happened. I still recommend it!
My wife and I have been married since Valentines Day 1983, while I was 17 and she was 18.
Neither of us had started College yet, we were probably just as poor, and added to this was the fact that our daughter was born that following August.
It took me almost 7 years to earn my BS in Mechanical Engineering, between working full-time and taking classes when I was able to, but my job on a large Factory Trawler allowed her to be a stay-at-home mother for our three kids. She finally went back to school and got her degree in Horticulture once the youngest started school. I finished my degree and am now a Merchant Marine Chief Engineer on the largest Factory Trawler in the United States. Her degree has only cost me money, as she's become a "Collector of Species" in her garden, but it keeps her happy and entertained.
43 years later we're still going strong, and with all of our children married and the 12 grandkids they've provided us, we're extremely happy.
May you and yours have many more years of happiness.
Wonderful!
Even though I have two failed marriages behind me, I loved reading this.
08/18/26: "Who needs to read the article? Just look at the photograph. It will work."
Maybe your marriages didn't fail. Maybe they were gloriously successful, and having walked together as far as you were meant to down the primrose path, and having learned whatever life lessons/soul growth you were meant to from each, you brought your (successful) marriage to it's natural conclusion: parting company.
Not my concept by the way. Shakti Gawain, author of Living in the Light, was the one to first introduce that concept to me.
Thanks for posting those lovely thoughts - but no, it wasn't like that at all. Both marriages were train wrecks from the beginning.
Young people need to be taught to recognize the "red flags" and not to settle for something they know in their gut is wrong. Some young people think they won't have another chance, another relationship, or that someone else won't 'love' them. None of those things are true. People don't change, so if your partner does things you don't like, that won't change. And remember, you get in return what you put out there. If you're not a good, respectful person, you won't attract a good, respectful person. And parents, don't be afraid to tell your offspring if you think they are making a mistake.
I dunno, I know a lot of wonderful people who have attracted the dregs!
True enough . . . .not saying all "failed" marriages were glorious successes, the dregs can happen!
I really admire the couples who grow apart, part ways, but stay civil and/or even friends. When I called my (divorced) aunt in the hospital, her former (I like that better than ex, so much gentler!) husband picked up the phone, chatted with me a minute, and then passed the phone over.
Oh so civilized.
My cousin remarried, and so did his former wife. He visits her and her second husband regularly. I think it depends on how the relationship went down. They didn't lose the 'friend' part of the connection. If the spouse turns out to be a frenemy, then never looking back is the safest move and makes it easier to let go of any bitterness that may have taken root.
Hmmm . . . hard to explain. Opposites attract, but also like attracts like. 🤷🏻♀️
I do see a pattern of people recreating relationships that mirror those in childhood, but not always.
... and some marry just get out of the house and out from under parental control, only to find out there's still rules - and far more responsibilities.
I absolutely respect your uncompromising honesty. We - as a nation - all need more of this
I had to learn from my teacher what it meant to be married; what marriage was really for. And what were the most common reasons marriages ended.
But yes, a marriage is merely a cycle of action. You find a partner. You help each other. You raise some children. You help them. You continue as partners. Then you die and start over. It's just a cycle with a start, a middle and an end. Love might be "eternal," but not marriage. it's just something we do to help us survive each lifetime and keep the race going.
I think modern entertainment culture over-glorified it. Then later it tore marriage apart. What were our young people supposed to think? For centuries many cultures survived on arranged marriages, child marriages, enslaved concubines and all sorts of other wild stuff, not on "love." Does love even need to be a part of marriage? I don't know. Certainly caring about the marriage and being willing to be responsible for it needs to be a part of marriage. But love is, perhaps, something higher than basic human survival.
08/18/26: Who, in his previous life, was a divorce lawyer.
Ditto on the age my wife and I were. Both sets of our parents stayed married until death did they part. We both are Christians and have been just as sexual active as a rock star, just only with each other. As with every blessing God gets all the glory!
Love your thoughts Jill !! And this picture of the two of you ! ADORABLE .. you two know how to laugh together !
My husband and I married at 21, right out of college. We are now 84 and will celebrate our 63rd anniversary next month. We have had adventures, changed careers (I started medical school when I was almost 40), been through trials, raised sons, have a wonderful daughter in law and grandchildren whom we spend time with. There has been luck and hard work. We are both cognitively intact and have small physical limitations. We are grateful to God every day for the gifts He has showered on us. In October we will walk 100 kilometers on the Camino (very slowly), and stop at every sacred place to give thanks.
Camino - Amazing. And an amazing life~
Consider Having been married 10 or 15 years later, And now not enjoying those grandkids.
Life goals, Get married young then enjoy years in your marriage that cannot be replaced And enjoy your grandchildren and maybe your great grandchildren
Random thoughts to a great post:
Commitment to THE MARRIAGE is a huge key. You have to be more committed to staying married than to staying 'in love.' (Didn't you hear or see the word "vow"?)
I worked with many Indians (India) who all had arranged marriages. No divorces. (OK, a few dozen data points.). One older Indian couple: "First you get married. Then you have kids. Then you fall in love."
The guy who did my son's wedding. "There are no back doors, when you walk through that front door (wedding) into the 'married house.'"
At 20 you are still very pliable (which J Malone mentioned). At 30 you're pretty set in YOUR ways. At 40, you're basically reinforced concrete.
Drill it into your brain and heart: The person you marry at 20 will be a different person at 30, and different again at 40. You better be committed to them no matter who they 'become'. You change, too, you know.
Your spouse is more important than your children for a successful, happy marriage.
My parents celebrated 72 years. (Penniless war refugees from Eastern Europe.). Jennifer and I will celebrate 50 in 2029!
Oh, and if your parents didn't have any kids, odds are you won't either.
We also married at 18 and 19, went on to earn Ph.Ds, then have children and several careers. It has been almost 65 years and we agree that values and attitudes about marriage are more important than age. We also taught our children that it was better to invest in the marriage than to invest in an expensive, elaborate wedding. Our shared Christianity has been very important through thick and thin.
Such a sweet love story! My parents were married 66 years and my grand parents were married 67 years . My dad’s parents were married 45 years my grandpa died at age 66 years old.
I need to tell a sweet story about my parents . Growing up my mom would crawl onto my dad’s lap at night after dinner. They would have a sweet kiss and then mom would snuggle up to him. I loved watching this as a child. When my father got dementia 15 years after a massive cerebral hemorrhage he was put into a home. Mom could keep him in the house at night. I would take mom to visit dad. She would crawl up on his lap , take his face in her hands and give him a big kiss on the lips and then snuggle up to him. Thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. They loved each other deeply. They got married 17 and 19.
My grandpa when my grandma had a stroke and in a coma crawled up the hospital railing on the bed and gave grandma a kiss calling out her name Oh Ellen! Then patting her hand. Such tender moments bring back sweet memories.
My husband married me at age 44. He had never been married. He had gone to law school and worked. Dated a bunch asked a couple of them to marry him. Took care of his invalid father. When he married me he gained 4 children, a grandchild, a cat, a dog and a mortgage . He took my children on as his own. Loved them and took care of them. They call him dad. I have been married to him it will be 27 years in November. 5 years longer than my first marriage. What a blessing he has been in our lives.
Drs Malone , you have a beautiful example of a sweet love story. Thank you for sharing! I love the darling picture!
Dear friends of ours just had a granddaughter married at 19. Most in their family were skeptical until my friend Mindy said, hey we married young and so did two of our children. The family circle has had everyone's support. Checking out the groom, they discovered that his parents and grandparents also married young. They are living cheap and both going to school together. They are having the best time of their lives and enjoying each moment as it comes along. Their families support is so important to both of them. Thanks for sharing this Jill, it made my day. Love Dee
Great photo.. Thanks for sharing that. Also great insights. Whether or not a couple is successful or not has nothing to do with "the average". That probably holds true for epidemiology studies in the medical field as well.
Oh heck JGM you missed the most important factor of a long lasting marriage. Marrying Smart! I did and so did Robert! 51 and counting!
I wish you many more years!
My mother told me, "love is not looking into each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction."
I didn't find my husband until I was 27 (married at 29) but, believe me, I had been looking for him. 45 years together and I still think I'm the luckiest girl in the world! He was worth the wait!
Only a couple of things I might say about successful marriages.
1. TRUST - I would say this is the most, or close to the most, important word in a marriage. If you find out your partner is a regular non truth teller or fudger (journalist or politician ring a bell?), I'd say the union is doomed. Both liars, with common goal, maybe...nah.
2. CHILDREN - Best if some serious talks occur on this before knot tying. Not just about having any, but even more, if children are in the picture, how they are to be raised. Strong feelings about a subject by one parent vs the other are most often amplified when applied to the children.
3. MONEY - Saver vs Spender. Degrees matter, but I'd say this can get out of hand pretty quickly on either side. Good discussions (not argument or skullduggery) skills might save the day.
Dr. Jill saying "they grew up together" makes me think much of the hard decisions were based on the two of them recognizing the need to put their heads together on issues. In that respect, I believe their younger marriage worked because they 'talked to one another'. They didn't 'talk above/over one another'. They weren't 'set in their ways'.
Smart and lucky stars aligned!!
I hadn’t known that Israel was so “productive”! I enjoyed your contemplations and add one thought that keeps coming to me: as a society, we have neglected teaching responsibility to the next generation. Since we are no longer an agrarian society, children grow up without real responsibility and we expect that suddenly at 18 or 22 they know how to carry themselves and the burdens of adulthood. Without having shouldered any real responsibilities, they haven’t a clue how to be adults. Fortunate are the children who grow up on farms—they take responsibility for animal chores and often begin driving tractors and other motorized vehicles at a young age— which I believe helps prepare them for responsibilities of adulthood.
This was the best essay on Love and Marriage. I watched my parents marriage and they married quite young. The marriage that set the stage for me was watching my grandparents marriage. I sure could add to the Love and Marriage. Thank you Dr. and Mrs. Malone for writing what you did. Everyone should read it. I have been married for 56 years and everything that could happen has happened. I still recommend it!