My wife and I have been married since Valentines Day 1983, while I was 17 and she was 18.
Neither of us had started College yet, we were probably just as poor, and added to this was the fact that our daughter was born that following August.
It took me almost 7 years to earn my BS in Mechanical Engineering, between working full-time and taking classes when I was able to, but my job on a large Factory Trawler allowed her to be a stay-at-home mother for our three kids. She finally went back to school and got her degree in Horticulture once the youngest started school. I finished my degree and am now a Merchant Marine Chief Engineer on the largest Factory Trawler in the United States. Her degree has only cost me money, as she's become a "Collector of Species" in her garden, but it keeps her happy and entertained.
43 years later we're still going strong, and with all of our children married and the 12 grandkids they've provided us, we're extremely happy.
May you and yours have many more years of happiness.
Maybe your marriages didn't fail. Maybe they were gloriously successful, and having walked together as far as you were meant to down the primrose path, and having learned whatever life lessons/soul growth you were meant to from each, you brought your (successful) marriage to it's natural conclusion: parting company.
Not my concept by the way. Shakti Gawain, author of Living in the Light, was the one to first introduce that concept to me.
Young people need to be taught to recognize the "red flags" and not to settle for something they know in their gut is wrong. Some young people think they won't have another chance, another relationship, or that someone else won't 'love' them. None of those things are true. People don't change, so if your partner does things you don't like, that won't change. And remember, you get in return what you put out there. If you're not a good, respectful person, you won't attract a good, respectful person. And parents, don't be afraid to tell your offspring if you think they are making a mistake.
Ditto on the age my wife and I were. Both sets of our parents stayed married until death did they part. We both are Christians and have been just as sexual active as a rock star, just only with each other. As with every blessing God gets all the glory!
Commitment to THE MARRIAGE is a huge key. You have to be more committed to staying married than to staying 'in love.' (Didn't you hear or see the word "vow"?)
I worked with many Indians (India) who all had arranged marriages. No divorces. (OK, a few dozen data points.). One older Indian couple: "First you get married. Then you have kids. Then you fall in love."
The guy who did my son's wedding. "There are no back doors, when you walk through that front door (wedding) into the 'married house.'"
At 20 you are still very pliable (which J Malone mentioned). At 30 you're pretty set in YOUR ways. At 40, you're basically reinforced concrete.
Drill it into your brain and heart: The person you marry at 20 will be a different person at 30, and different again at 40. You better be committed to them no matter who they 'become'. You change, too, you know.
Your spouse is more important than your children for a successful, happy marriage.
My parents celebrated 72 years. (Penniless war refugees from Eastern Europe.). Jennifer and I will celebrate 50 in 2029!
Oh, and if your parents didn't have any kids, odds are you won't either.
Great photo.. Thanks for sharing that. Also great insights. Whether or not a couple is successful or not has nothing to do with "the average". That probably holds true for epidemiology studies in the medical field as well.
Dear friends of ours just had a granddaughter married at 19. Most in their family were skeptical until my friend Mindy said, hey we married young and so did two of our children. The family circle has had everyone's support. Checking out the groom, they discovered that his parents and grandparents also married young. They are living cheap and both going to school together. They are having the best time of their lives and enjoying each moment as it comes along. Their families support is so important to both of them. Thanks for sharing this Jill, it made my day. Love Dee
We also married at 18 and 19, went on to earn Ph.Ds, then have children and several careers. It has been almost 65 years and we agree that values and attitudes about marriage are more important than age. We also taught our children that it was better to invest in the marriage than to invest in an expensive, elaborate wedding. Our shared Christianity has been very important through thick and thin.
Good observations. Your view is similar to that of the late Charles Murray, who wrote "The Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead: Dos and Don'ts of Right Behavior, Tough Thinking, Clear Writing, and Living a Good Life" (2014)
Only a couple of things I might say about successful marriages.
1. TRUST - I would say this is the most, or close to the most, important word in a marriage. If you find out your partner is a regular non truth teller or fudger (journalist or politician ring a bell?), I'd say the union is doomed. Both liars, with common goal, maybe...nah.
2. CHILDREN - Best if some serious talks occur on this before knot tying. Not just about having any, but even more, if children are in the picture, how they are to be raised. Strong feelings about a subject by one parent vs the other are most often amplified when applied to the children.
3. MONEY - Saver vs Spender. Degrees matter, but I'd say this can get out of hand pretty quickly on either side. Good discussions (not argument or skullduggery) skills might save the day.
Dr. Jill saying "they grew up together" makes me think much of the hard decisions were based on the two of them recognizing the need to put their heads together on issues. In that respect, I believe their younger marriage worked because they 'talked to one another'. They didn't 'talk above/over one another'. They weren't 'set in their ways'.
The word "potlatching" got my attention as I have heard it used in a much wider definition than you referenced. Another opportunity to learn a wider meaning of an ancient word. BTW, I love reading about the evolvement of your life together. Back to reading about the insight you have garnered now...
potlatching refers to one of the practices of pacific northwestern native tribes, involving destroying large amounts of items indicative of wealth, often by fire, as a way of demonstrating wealth.
One of the practices; there are many uses and definitions that go far beyond this one practice. It also can indicate generosity and honoring members of the tribe, including children.
Thank you for this insightful and timely review of one of life's most important topics.
With two early failures, there is much I'm not fit to comment about. My first was ended by the Consigliar parent. Too observing and not qualified to get them into high society. The second 's mistake I made was agreeing to be a dummy in exchange for being cared for. When it became evident I could do better for myself ...
So, thoughts
First I had no real idea what I wanted my life to be. In fact just stumbled through available open doors. SO get meaningful help in identifying options and best fits for ones life journey.
Imo being successful at going it alone lends itself to less tolerance in relationships and marriage. Be careful with that.
Last, a male friend (at a point later in life) recommendeed I seriously reflect on what I would offer a man in marriage. I took that seriously. In the end I concluded, if I were a man I surely wouldnt buy into it.
I am for marriage. When the issue first came to mind I felt it was vital each be fully commited to the wellbeing and success of the other and to the success of the marriage partnership.
You both have a successful and blessed life experience. Your observations, stategies and shares have Much to offer! You are appreciated!
This is a great article, thank you!!! My dad is on wife #7 and lept from one to the other. I had no clue how to pick someone, so I did the best I could do. Overall, it wasn't a great marriage and in many ways we were not compatible but in some unhealthy ways, we were 🤷🏼♀️. We were married 24 years but only together 17. He was a high functioning alcoholic and I became one in later years. We had 1 son, who is now 30 and so very lost in life. He identified as a "they/them," does not work and is currently in our local detention center for violating a peace order. I am retired Navy and I'm now a social worker (conservative!). Neither my husband or I came from happy families, but all in all, I think he came from a more cohesive one! We were both hard working and, imo, we both modeled good working ethics. A few years ago, I found out I'm high functioning/high masking autism, so I understand where my meltdowns came from. My biggest things now in life is that I wanna "fix" my son, but I know I cannot; he's gotta wanna do it. Looking back, I also believe that my husband was somewhere on the autistic spectrum, I functioning/high masking. I also believe our son is, too. I'm truly not sure if he'll ever get better, but I will never give up hope. Great article!!!
When people marry, they should be ready for hard knocks. There's no such thing as a smooth marriage. The definition of marriage means friction, two personalities, and each one has rough edges. People who are preparing for marriage should study this, and those who already are should ponder this.
My wife and I have been married since Valentines Day 1983, while I was 17 and she was 18.
Neither of us had started College yet, we were probably just as poor, and added to this was the fact that our daughter was born that following August.
It took me almost 7 years to earn my BS in Mechanical Engineering, between working full-time and taking classes when I was able to, but my job on a large Factory Trawler allowed her to be a stay-at-home mother for our three kids. She finally went back to school and got her degree in Horticulture once the youngest started school. I finished my degree and am now a Merchant Marine Chief Engineer on the largest Factory Trawler in the United States. Her degree has only cost me money, as she's become a "Collector of Species" in her garden, but it keeps her happy and entertained.
43 years later we're still going strong, and with all of our children married and the 12 grandkids they've provided us, we're extremely happy.
May you and yours have many more years of happiness.
Wonderful!
Even though I have two failed marriages behind me, I loved reading this.
08/18/26: "Who needs to read the article? Just look at the photograph. It will work."
Maybe your marriages didn't fail. Maybe they were gloriously successful, and having walked together as far as you were meant to down the primrose path, and having learned whatever life lessons/soul growth you were meant to from each, you brought your (successful) marriage to it's natural conclusion: parting company.
Not my concept by the way. Shakti Gawain, author of Living in the Light, was the one to first introduce that concept to me.
Thanks for posting those lovely thoughts - but no, it wasn't like that at all. Both marriages were train wrecks from the beginning.
Young people need to be taught to recognize the "red flags" and not to settle for something they know in their gut is wrong. Some young people think they won't have another chance, another relationship, or that someone else won't 'love' them. None of those things are true. People don't change, so if your partner does things you don't like, that won't change. And remember, you get in return what you put out there. If you're not a good, respectful person, you won't attract a good, respectful person. And parents, don't be afraid to tell your offspring if you think they are making a mistake.
Ditto on the age my wife and I were. Both sets of our parents stayed married until death did they part. We both are Christians and have been just as sexual active as a rock star, just only with each other. As with every blessing God gets all the glory!
Love your thoughts Jill !! And this picture of the two of you ! ADORABLE .. you two know how to laugh together !
Random thoughts to a great post:
Commitment to THE MARRIAGE is a huge key. You have to be more committed to staying married than to staying 'in love.' (Didn't you hear or see the word "vow"?)
I worked with many Indians (India) who all had arranged marriages. No divorces. (OK, a few dozen data points.). One older Indian couple: "First you get married. Then you have kids. Then you fall in love."
The guy who did my son's wedding. "There are no back doors, when you walk through that front door (wedding) into the 'married house.'"
At 20 you are still very pliable (which J Malone mentioned). At 30 you're pretty set in YOUR ways. At 40, you're basically reinforced concrete.
Drill it into your brain and heart: The person you marry at 20 will be a different person at 30, and different again at 40. You better be committed to them no matter who they 'become'. You change, too, you know.
Your spouse is more important than your children for a successful, happy marriage.
My parents celebrated 72 years. (Penniless war refugees from Eastern Europe.). Jennifer and I will celebrate 50 in 2029!
Oh, and if your parents didn't have any kids, odds are you won't either.
Great photo.. Thanks for sharing that. Also great insights. Whether or not a couple is successful or not has nothing to do with "the average". That probably holds true for epidemiology studies in the medical field as well.
Dear friends of ours just had a granddaughter married at 19. Most in their family were skeptical until my friend Mindy said, hey we married young and so did two of our children. The family circle has had everyone's support. Checking out the groom, they discovered that his parents and grandparents also married young. They are living cheap and both going to school together. They are having the best time of their lives and enjoying each moment as it comes along. Their families support is so important to both of them. Thanks for sharing this Jill, it made my day. Love Dee
I wish you many more years!
We also married at 18 and 19, went on to earn Ph.Ds, then have children and several careers. It has been almost 65 years and we agree that values and attitudes about marriage are more important than age. We also taught our children that it was better to invest in the marriage than to invest in an expensive, elaborate wedding. Our shared Christianity has been very important through thick and thin.
Oh heck JGM you missed the most important factor of a long lasting marriage. Marrying Smart! I did and so did Robert! 51 and counting!
Good observations. Your view is similar to that of the late Charles Murray, who wrote "The Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead: Dos and Don'ts of Right Behavior, Tough Thinking, Clear Writing, and Living a Good Life" (2014)
Only a couple of things I might say about successful marriages.
1. TRUST - I would say this is the most, or close to the most, important word in a marriage. If you find out your partner is a regular non truth teller or fudger (journalist or politician ring a bell?), I'd say the union is doomed. Both liars, with common goal, maybe...nah.
2. CHILDREN - Best if some serious talks occur on this before knot tying. Not just about having any, but even more, if children are in the picture, how they are to be raised. Strong feelings about a subject by one parent vs the other are most often amplified when applied to the children.
3. MONEY - Saver vs Spender. Degrees matter, but I'd say this can get out of hand pretty quickly on either side. Good discussions (not argument or skullduggery) skills might save the day.
Dr. Jill saying "they grew up together" makes me think much of the hard decisions were based on the two of them recognizing the need to put their heads together on issues. In that respect, I believe their younger marriage worked because they 'talked to one another'. They didn't 'talk above/over one another'. They weren't 'set in their ways'.
Smart and lucky stars aligned!!
The word "potlatching" got my attention as I have heard it used in a much wider definition than you referenced. Another opportunity to learn a wider meaning of an ancient word. BTW, I love reading about the evolvement of your life together. Back to reading about the insight you have garnered now...
potlatching refers to one of the practices of pacific northwestern native tribes, involving destroying large amounts of items indicative of wealth, often by fire, as a way of demonstrating wealth.
One of the practices; there are many uses and definitions that go far beyond this one practice. It also can indicate generosity and honoring members of the tribe, including children.
Thank you for this insightful and timely review of one of life's most important topics.
With two early failures, there is much I'm not fit to comment about. My first was ended by the Consigliar parent. Too observing and not qualified to get them into high society. The second 's mistake I made was agreeing to be a dummy in exchange for being cared for. When it became evident I could do better for myself ...
So, thoughts
First I had no real idea what I wanted my life to be. In fact just stumbled through available open doors. SO get meaningful help in identifying options and best fits for ones life journey.
Imo being successful at going it alone lends itself to less tolerance in relationships and marriage. Be careful with that.
Last, a male friend (at a point later in life) recommendeed I seriously reflect on what I would offer a man in marriage. I took that seriously. In the end I concluded, if I were a man I surely wouldnt buy into it.
I am for marriage. When the issue first came to mind I felt it was vital each be fully commited to the wellbeing and success of the other and to the success of the marriage partnership.
You both have a successful and blessed life experience. Your observations, stategies and shares have Much to offer! You are appreciated!
This is a great article, thank you!!! My dad is on wife #7 and lept from one to the other. I had no clue how to pick someone, so I did the best I could do. Overall, it wasn't a great marriage and in many ways we were not compatible but in some unhealthy ways, we were 🤷🏼♀️. We were married 24 years but only together 17. He was a high functioning alcoholic and I became one in later years. We had 1 son, who is now 30 and so very lost in life. He identified as a "they/them," does not work and is currently in our local detention center for violating a peace order. I am retired Navy and I'm now a social worker (conservative!). Neither my husband or I came from happy families, but all in all, I think he came from a more cohesive one! We were both hard working and, imo, we both modeled good working ethics. A few years ago, I found out I'm high functioning/high masking autism, so I understand where my meltdowns came from. My biggest things now in life is that I wanna "fix" my son, but I know I cannot; he's gotta wanna do it. Looking back, I also believe that my husband was somewhere on the autistic spectrum, I functioning/high masking. I also believe our son is, too. I'm truly not sure if he'll ever get better, but I will never give up hope. Great article!!!
The Myth of a Perfect Marriage
When people marry, they should be ready for hard knocks. There's no such thing as a smooth marriage. The definition of marriage means friction, two personalities, and each one has rough edges. People who are preparing for marriage should study this, and those who already are should ponder this.